15. august 2005

About an hour after the last post I learned that he was dating a good friend of mine. The same friend who informed me previously that I acted like I was in love. I felt like hitting my head against a brick wall. Why does it always happen to me?

14. august 2005

Felt like posting. My life has been a row of highly positive and deeply negative events. That's exhausting, mentally.

First low: hopless love. Solution: let's wait and see.
Second low: he knows!. Solution: I was reassured he doesn't.
Third low: maybe my parents will divorce. Solution: it's only maybe.
Fourth low: it will soon be schooltime. Solution: but there's two more weeks of break!

First high: I can go to training tomorrow!
Second high: I will see a few long-lost friends soon.
Third high: I will get my photos tomorrow.
Fourth high: One of my friends will be coming over in a few days, to overnight.
Fifth high: have I said it yet? I'm in love.
Sixth high: life still is good.

One more low: the weather is horrible.

Ok, that was the short synopsis of my life right now. As you might have noticed, ther are no solutions to the high's. Why do I need those?

18. juuli 2005

Hello again. I guess I haven't visited this place in a while, but oh well.

This weekend was a roleplayish one too. My char, a mage, was killed once, but resurrected by two priests. Good for me. Most of the posessions of of the other party-members was looted, but mine was left for me. I guess the looters got bored with me getting all of the OG stuff out of the pouch, and forgot about my IG things. Good for me. Both of my wands were taken. One of them was broken. One, the looters lost in he woods. One of my party-members found it later and returned it to me. Good for me. It was the more powerful one. Lucky me.

The weird situation I was in for some time, solved itself. The solution is positive. Not because of what it is, but because it is a solution, and every answer is better than no answer at all.

26. juuni 2005

I'm tired. And confused. And surprised. And tired. And cold. And hungry. And tired. And amazed. And disturbed. And tired. You get the idea.

Have you ever been in a situation where somebody you thought you knew acts absolutely unlike themself? And you don't have a clue how to think of their acts, but you know you probably shouldn't mention them to anyone. I think it would make anyone feel uncomfortable and unsure of themselves. Even if the words and actions were awaited and/or good, it still seems... out of place, just like laughing at a funeral.

Gladly, this is not the situation I'm in right now.

Here comes another rant about how cool my friends are. If you are depressed, please don't read it. it's just that... I think I think everyone should be jealous of such good friends. I would go through fire and ice for them, with them. I would do whatever I am capable of, for each and every one of them, and I know they would do the same for me. I don't know what I would do without them, they have been so incredibly supportive through the year and I am undescribably happy I know them. They are so absolutely wonderful persons and I think I have finally found the persons I fit in with. They respect me the way I am, without any masks. Oh god, I am so grateful to have found these friends.

15. juuni 2005

As always, life has two sides.

First, the negative.

  • I'm broke.
  • I can't go to the summer outing, because of it.
  • I can't pay my year membership because of that.
  • I can't pay for this weekend's game because of that.

And now, the positive.

  • I got some money by getting rid of the bottles.
  • I found some money on the street. (About 5 units.)
  • I wasn't so broke as I thought and could afford to buy some metal-thread-cutters. (again, now you can all see I'm not a native speaker to the English language.)
  • They can cut the thread I need to cut.
  • I got the lamp my dad wanted me to get. He would have been very mad at me if I hadn't.

Only four of negative stuff and five of positive! Wohoo! I guess life is good afterall!

7. juuni 2005

Busy again... oh, and I colored my hair... Now it looks like I had really dark hair some time back, but it's getting all grey. Well, it's kind of greyish blueish and doesn't go too well with my wishes, but it will go so well with my lizard-person charackter this weekend. And the color is wash-out. Everything is good. And my first full-day (12 hours) workday yesterday went well too. Nothing bad.

3. juuni 2005

Ever seen a wet cloth for washing the floor? And seen it squeesed out? That's exaxtly the way I feel right now. I've had a really rough training today, and I'm having a game tomorrow! Wohoo! Sorry for the shortness.

31. mai 2005

Dull gray rain. Frustration. I feel empty inside, like there was a huge gray hole. I'm in the verge of losing most of my life, due to bad grades. Nothing could make me happy right now, exept my dad walking through that door and telling me I can still continue all of my activities, even though I have two of the worst possible grades. I'm sorry, I can't write anymore, I'm getting too emotional.

27. mai 2005

Spring! Oh spring with all thee flowers opening their sweet-smellig blossoms to the sun to kiss them! Oh spring rain that washes up the remains of the winter, cold and pale! Oh thte grass, smelling homely after lawn-mowing! Oh apple trees in white blossom-foam! Right now I'm just so overjoyed because of spring, I don't know what to do. Oh the freedom of the coming summer, the warm days and sweet summer nights! Oh starry skies and bright sunsets!

15. mai 2005

Ok, this will be one of the rare posts without all the fuss that as nothing to do with my life. Right now I'm death tired, I have just done a lot of sewing and I celebrated my birthday with a lazy-party yesterday. I have put down a huge number of potatoes, and I have tidied up all of the party-mess. I have barbecued and slept about 6 hours per night for almost a week. And I'm really, really happy right now. Everything didn't turn out as bad as it could have, and my guests seemed content about it too. 5 of the 12 tabards I have to sew for this weekend, starting Friday, are hemmed. What could be better? I just have to quote a friend of mine: Cuilë na linda. (That was quenya, in case anybody wonders.)

12. mai 2005

Ok. I'm drowning in organizing my birthday. Well, I guess it's a part of having one in a few days but still.. I hate organizing!

Water is the most beautiful element ever. Think about it. It covers about 3/4 of the Earth's surface, and without it, there is no life, or at least not in a form we'd recognize. Have you seen ice flowers on a cold winter day on a window? You could just keep on looking at them. Or a snowflake: so fragile, so tender, so light. In the same time - snowstorms can be disastrous if you're not prepared. Or a dewdrop - clear, tiny piece on fresh grass, but water in oceans - a tidalwave. And again I come to the conclusion humans are not the top of the world. We can so easily be hurt by nature.

11. mai 2005

Getting even busier, and feeling even lousier. Aches and pains will be today's topic.

Have you ever noticed how the pain is diffrent in diffrent times, diffrent occasions? If you concerntrate on the pain, it will almost go away, sometimes. I think it's something about how the brain functions. Pain being the alarm, but when lasting, brain gets used to it. It has felt very weird, sitting on the dentist's chair, having your tooth drilled, thinking exactly where the pain lies, and slowly starting not to feel it...

10. mai 2005

Ok, almost no time today. Seems like my life is like a huge antfarm, always full of busy-ness.

Have you seen a cat laying in the sun? The way it sometimes gathers itself up into a little furry ball, the next moment stretches out as long as it can... I have always wondered the flexibility and smooth moves of a cat. Sometimes it just seems to flow. Wouldn't it be wonderful, if we could all be as flexible as that? The felines are rightfully the kings of animals, in their lion form. Too bad we, humans, declare ourselves the kings of nature, we would be easy prey to a hunting lioness.

9. mai 2005

Today's post will be short, since I don't have a lot of time. And it's about hopes, dreams and awaits - at least I hope it will be.

It has been a beautiful summer weather for almost a month in a row, but that seemed unfair to Marina. She had been overwhelmingly sad - her boyfriend had been reported missing from the frontline. it was war time, and she knew when he left, that he probably wouldn't ever come home again, but hope dies last. She was waiting to see any changes in the weather. After all, it was unfair everybody else was happy, and so seemed the sky - dull, low grey clouds would have been a lot more fitting. She was not the only one waiting for rain, it had been dry for too long. So she stood there, on the terrace of her family's home, on the second floor, and looked at the west, from where the clouds were awaited. A light, warm wind from that direction rose. it made her dress flow and her hair too. And there, as she waited and looked for a cloud with her eyes, a tiny black spot emerged from the horizon. At first, it was almost too small to see, then in a while she thought it was a bug of some sort, that flew near to her eye. She tried to wipe it away, but it stayed. After a long wait, it started to take human form, a riding human in a bright red uniform. She couldn't believe her eyes, strained them, to see better. She hoped it was her husband. When the man - she had been right - got to hearing range, she cried a welcome for him. He saw her, and waved. Waving back, the woman leaned too far over the edge of the balkony - and fell.

When the man got to her, she could only say her last words - "I was hoping to see you once again..." - before she died.

8. mai 2005

I planned on writing yesterday, too, but it seems I forgot one detail: I had no access whatsoever to any computers yesterday. I also didn't for most of today. Weekend's theme seems to be adventures.

A guy walked on the main street of some small town. It was the kind of town, where everybody knows everybody and most of them are friends. Amongst themselves, they are friendly, but not to outsiders. Anyway, he had never seen anyone from outside in his life, neither went on vacation with his family to other towns. maybe he didn't have the chance, maybe they just didn't want to... Who knows? But this evening seemed to be special. He had never liked to be alone much, but this incredibly quiet, sweet spring evening had been inviting. He had walked alone on the streets for almost an hour now, lost in his thoughts. He thought about what was going to happen tomorrow: he was supposed to leave the town, go to university. He wouldn't see his family - mother, father and little sister - for an entire year, if not longer. His mind went stray and he didn't realize, when he was out of town already. His feet carried him to a beautifully serene place: over a tiny bridge, to an even tinier island. The place was only big enough for a few bushy trees and a small green meadow between them. The island was situated in the river that flowed through the town. When the bridge suddenly ended - it had started very subtle, with some grass on the mainland end - he looked up and saw all of this beautiful nature. The island was somewhat diamond-shaped. He went to the very end of one tip and looked at the river: it was a breathtaking view. He stood there, looking at it in the long rays of evening sun, soon turning rosy. It was a clear, cloudless sunset and he couldn't keep his eyes away from it. It was pure luck he had one of the trees hanging over his head and blocking some of the sun, he could have been blinded, just standing there, staring at the sun. With the last rays, he turned around and left. He had no idea where he was, but it didn't matter. He knew he would probably never find this place again, but that didn't matter, either. The only thing that mattered was the place itself - so mystical, so beautiful, so serene, so quiet. Being there at the sunset had been an adventure of its own for him, made even more unrealistic by loneliness. Even birds didn't sing anymore, when he left.

He never knew if he found it accidentally or did his feet carry him there intentionally, or whether or not he ever found his way home, but the fact remains: such places still exist in our world, where none can go and remain unchanged.

6. mai 2005

This will be the first sentence of my blog. Ever. I haven't read much of anybody else's blogs, so I don't have a precise knowledge about what they write. But I will write a short scene every day.

On one day, it might be a description of something, on another, a paragraph-formed short story. it might be about my life, but it doesn't have to. I think it will be mostly about how I feel, how was the day, what happened - today seems like a flower, a daffodil.

Have you ever looked at a daffodil so closely you can see even the tiniest details? I would be wrong if I said it looked beautiful, but it doesn't look disgusting either, just... different. Yes, different. Like everybody is, in their own way different from everybody else. And it's not only the people - the flowers, daffodils, are, too. Every one of them unique, each one-of-a-kind. If looked at from this angle, picking a flower - any flower - is like a murder. Ok, maybe you hold it in your hand, enjoy it's fragance, give it as a gift to someone dear and close to your heart, but it will still die, die too early, maybe without having even had a chance to last, to leave something behind.

I'm not saying we shouldn't pick flowers - be my guest, do that - but think before you destroy it's life for ever, you can't restore it.

When I started writing this post, I wanted to describe a daffodil, looked so closely. But I don't have one of those here - the lines of description were made on my previous experiences. To come to think of it, it's sad I don't have any flowers here now.